All change: Married and Family Life.

Married or not, kids already or not, the birth of a premature baby has a dramatic impact on your life.

You not only become parents you become "nurses and doctors" as well.

As well as the various emotions concerned, Why us? Why me? What did we do wrong? The aspect of caring for a premi can be very daunting indeed. 

But the pressure can be over come.

Cycle of care.

Mother looks after baby, father goes to work. Before long, you have a situation that could spiral out of control. This could happen in normal births but in some premi's the special care can break the camels back. Now lets put this into prospective. A premi parents life is not easy especially if the baby comes home on Oxygen, or has disabilities and needs other cares etc. The extra work involved such as checking Oxygen, the daily addition of various drugs etc all put upon a 24 hour care scheme, which needs a 48 hour day.

Now some fathers feel that they have let the side down by having a premature baby, and this is far from it. Premature babies who survive, are a compliment not only to modern medicine but also to the parents.

Added problems. (both parents)

Lets have a closer look at these.

Constant worry and awareness of babies extra needs.

False alarms and all the special cares are a constant worry for the premi parent. There can be many nights of disturbed sleep, in fact every night more than one time a night. And up and over the normal problems of a baby not sleeping. The machines that monitor health can be set off by body movement and can also be affected by a change in temperature.  Then there is the checking of Oxygen machines etc cleaning filters checking regulators, changing portable tanks. As to the baby, the fitting of nasal prongs, the changing of dressings and in general keeping these clear of the baby. Especially when older and moving around. "You tend to sleep half awake to be on a seconds notice." The more cares needed the more pressure is put on the parents, especially the one staying at home.

Tiredness and increased energy drain.

This can affect both parents and also brothers and sisters. When you are in the SBCU you could get away from this, but at home it is a continuous drain on health. You are literally stuck in a circle of less sleep, need more energy. (Even Oxygen cylinders on their own are heavy even for the male parents) 

Alarm goes off, and you have to get up. In the process you wake all the family (well not quite you, the alarm has done that already) Now this can happen every night and at more than one time. When you do eventually get up, you start the day again with constant care. And if you are lucky and the baby has a sleep in the day, you then try and catch up on the normal things instead of having a sleep yourself.

Bonding problems.

Experienced by BOTH parents, and especially after a long stay in the SCBU the baby can feel like a total stranger and also "it's not my baby." feelings. Getting to know and love this new family member can be an up-hill battle, or may come quickly.

Strain on married life and your relationship. 

Your whole life is based around the baby, and you forget your own and your partners feelings. You tend to drift side by side going along the same road but in different carriageways, and it can get out of control and you end going down different roads.

Employer awareness problems.

I was "sacked" after taking a week off when the Kirsty came home and also when I did work again, got the following "If you were not any good at your job and I could get some one to replace you I would sack you right now."

1st part. Employers do not understand the extra cares and responsibility that comes with being a premi parent. They do not realize the added pressure that the cares bring. This is both whilst the baby is in the SCBU and also at home. More employer awareness must be made. Also the employment must be better protected.

2nd part. Kirsty spent the first year especially with regular trips to the hospital and also times when she was suddenly taken ill and had to go to hospital. This meant dropping everything and the support of both parents. IE more time away from work.

Financial restrictions due to longer care, and a working mother not being able to return to work.   

Many mothers leave careers and plan to return to work. The special cares means that this can be delayed for anything from a year to 5 years and more. This can leave finances low, and also resentment on the part of the bread winner as they have to try and make up the loss. This then causes more stress on the relationship and is another hurdle to be over come.

Take a step back.

  1. It is important to sit down and talk. We did this every Sunday night in the end at 7pm regardless of what was on the TV etc. The rules are simple you can both say what you want how you feel. The partner must listen and not argue over what they hear. It does work and it does help. But stick to the rules that you both can talk and get every thing off your chests. Right down to "smelly feet" to "saying that hurt me" this can be a major problem a partner saying something that the upsets the other.

  2. Helping. What we done (in between work) was to "take it in turns." Lisa would go to bed early and I would take over the cares in the evening and also late at night. If at all possible try and get a relative to sit for couple of hours whilst you go out some where local. Even if it is only a walk around the block. Just being together on your own for 30 minutes can help. And if you have got friends or relatives that will help then you are lucky. Most do not want to "take any risks" and can be quite scared of the equipment etc. And who could blame them?

  3. Seek help. If you get depressed and down, this can apply to both parents then it is important to seek help and advice from your Doctor etc. Both parents can get down and the amount of Dads that have, has surprised me. This can be from the early stages and can be as serious as total rejection.

With 1 in 10 babies born before their time you are not alone. We are not just talking about the very early and also very low weight births but about the 3lb and 4lb etc. Bringing a small baby home even without "special medical cares" can bring with it added pressure and responsibility.

"It is important for both parents to work together, as friends as parents and as lovers."

If you are a new parent and are reading this, through experience we know the future may seem dim. But your premi baby is your own little hero that you should be proud of, and in the end you will be. Looking back on it now, we had no future and no reason to consider that we had a future with Kirsty. Your life seems on hold, and you just remain stale. But things do change. Premi babies soon start to grow and whilst there maybe continuous problems, you can end up being feeling proud.

Proud of:

And if you feel as if you have failed?

Well, we did quite often. But the further we go forward the more you realize just what you have achieved.

"Looking back at things and Kirsty now, the only problem we have is with clothes. Some 18 months clothes still fit Kirsty in width but not height! At this moment of time she lays asleep in the single armchair by the window. Its her chair (and also naughty chair) and looking at her now we are proud of how she has done, one of life's little miracles, one we know that we can be proud of. Please imagine yourself doing the same. Try to see and realize the future, be proud parents both of you."

John

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